Following on from yesterday’s post I reckon St Peter must have a marking guide when people apply for admission at the Pearly Gates. It makes for consistency, especially if he’s having a bad day and he’s tempted to give every blighter the thumbs-down.

And presumably the Ten Commandments are still the acknowledged source of compliance with God’s standards. No one told me otherwise so it’s as good a way as any to measure myself up against. Not that age 60 means I’ll be applying shortly (life expectancy in Jersey is 79) but it’s good to be prepared.

So, marks out of 10 – 1 = irredeemably awful, 10 = top marks.

1. Thou shalt have no other gods before me. I’m off to a flyer here. But wait. What if Peter were to question me about Rory Gallagher, Stevie Nicks or Trevor Francis? Gods in my eyes. Best own up rather than be found out. Score 5.

2. Thou shalt not make graven images  – I wouldn’t know where to start. Score 10.

3. Thou shalt not take my name in vain. Oh dear. Much less so these days but playing football all the lads cuss and swear so I guess that’s marks off. Score 5.

4. Thou shalt keep the Sabbath holy. Score nil. Crikey, starting to look slightly dodgy now.

5. Thou shalt honour thy father and mother. Mum would laugh out loud but I do remember to ring her on Christmas Day. Score 3 and that’s pushing it.Ten Commandments

6. Thou shalt not kill. Assuming this means humans and not mosquitos I score 10 – back on track.

7. Thou shalt not commit adultery. Oo-er. It all comes down to definition. Bill Clinton’s (‘I did not have sex with that woman’) is a good one, as is ‘I don’t love her, darling.’ But no, when married I didn’t mess around too much, though it really depends on how you define that as well. Score 8.

8. Thou shalt not steal. Score 10.

9. Thou shalt not bear false witness. Ah ha, the old Jersey penchant for shopping one’s neighbours. One woman was gassed in Ravensbruck because two spinsters living nearby grassed her up for hiding a foreign worker during the Occupation. But I score 10 again.

10. Thou shall not covet. Refers to your neighbour’s wife, or manservant or ox or donkey. No, I don’t think so, but I’ll knock a couple of marks off for his nice car. Score 8.

I make that 69%. If the pass mark’s 70% I’ll have to rely on Peter having a good day with maybe plenty of villains before me.

So, what’s your score? If you’re Jack the Ripper, Idi Amin or Adolf Hitler you needn’t bother applying. If you’re Mother Theresa or David Beckham you just walk right in. We don’t need the gruesome detail, just the total mark please 🙂