The gifted author Dianne Gray says that most of her novels come to her in dreams. It’s a cert that I could never make anything readable out of the bits of nonsense that come into my head of a night. And it’s an equal cert that the most distinguished dream interpreter would sigh and give up if presented with mine.

Of course most dreams are insubstantial and fade away into oblivion like the summer morning mist. Here are three of my more recent fragments which have survived the morning light.

Roy in the Olympic 400m final
It must have been a bad year for quarter miling. Even in my prime I’d have been delighted to complete a lap of the local track in 75 seconds, and these days maybe 90. Put it into context, the top boys get around in 44-45. But there I was waiting to step out onto the track for the Olympic final. Asafa Powell, former 100m world record holder was the only rival I recognised before, probably fortunately, the dream faded.

[Edit February 2023] Yes I still remember the above dream but I now recall that, earlier in the dream, I’d won the Olympic bronze medal in the 100m! This came shortly after, in real life, I’d challenged a few of the girls I used to coach to a little race on the track. They were so scared of being beaten by an old man it brought out their best efforts and they beat me. So there is some rationale behind my athletics dream.

Roy scores a try for England
Yes indeed. As the teams lined up for the national anthem I asked England coach Stuart Lancaster if I was in the starting XV. ‘Yes, full back’ he replied. We were playing Nicaragua away. And, late in the match, I took a pass and scrambled over the try line from short range.

Odd indeed that one. I’ve never played rugby and I couldn’t point to Nicaragua on the map. I wonder if they have a rugby team even.

Roy the Manchester United goalie
‘Oi, I need you for goalkeeping cover’, Sir Alex Ferguson shouted. So I got onto the team bus. There were four goalkeepers on the bus. Besides me there was the first choice goalie who I didn’t recognise, maybe De Gea. But seated next to me were two other reserve goalies. The first was Alex Corbisiero the England rugby prop. The other was Alex Stepney who is a rather famous ex-United goalkeeper, but he’s now 70.

‘Why do we need so many goalies?’ I asked Sir Alex. ‘Well, they’ve got a lot of strikers’ he replied with a smile as we drove into the night.

There’s a certain sporty theme there. Possibly because I’ve only ever been average at best at every sport I’ve tried there’s a bit of me that craves one moment of fame.

Any other weird stuff out there that you might care to share?